Paris Hilton has been released from prison due to a mystery medical ailment (whether or not she returns to the slammer will be decided later on). Regardless, I find this whole situation funny while being annoying. So, I’m going to be rude, crude and crass because it’s my blog and I’ll whine when I want to. Remember this is satire. You don’t have to like my humor, but realize that’s what it is.

Here are my top ten reasons why Paris was sprung from The Big House:

10) The guards couldn’t keep Nicole Richie’s skinny ass out of Paris’ cell. The bars just weren’t far enough apart.

9) Brandon Davis ticked off Paris’ cell mates by calling them all a bunch of “ugly fire crotches,” causing a prison riot which injured twenty.

8) Paris started singing songs off her debut CD. The warden decided that even hardened criminals didn’t deserve the cruel punishment of listening to her warble for 20 more days.

7) The paparazzi bribed the judge that sprung Paris. With L-Lo in Rehab and Britney not “wigging out”, they needed someone to photograph and make fun of.

6) Paris will become the UN Ambassador for Drunk-Driving-Skanks as reps feel this demographic is largely under-represented in the charity community. The gig allows her to hang out with her old beau, Nick Carter—he’s trying to save the dolphins you know.

5) Daddy calmly told the warden that he could stay at any Hilton in the entire world…FOR FREE…for the rest of his life.

4) Paris tripped over Tinkerbell after smuggling the dog in. (You don’t want to know how!) She was so unnerved that she nearly died of embarrassment.

3) The Hilton family bought the prison and released her. They’re planning on renovating the facility to bring it more up to Paris’ discriminating standards.

2) Paris got ill after watching a film fest featuring her own movies.

And the number 1 reason Paris got released from prison early is…

1) She’s a penal-phobe. (That just means she’s afraid of prison, y’all!)