VH-1 has done the unthinkable! They’ve taken the Flavor of Love formula and rocked it out. Poison front man and former Pamela Anderson beau, Bret Michaels, is looking for love. The still hunky dad of two admits that rock ‘n roll is his first love and she’s a jealous bitch of a mistress. It’s ruined every relationship he’s ever had. Bret also admits to loving sex and living hard. He’s honest and refreshing and seems to waver between horn dog and genuine dude.

At the beginning of the episode, Bret rolls up to his pad in the Hollywood Hills. His security guy, Big John, introduces him to the ladies. They’re a motley crew let me tell you. Some of these women look just like what the ‘cat dragged in’. These roses got a few ‘thorns’ in ‘em, okay. Need I go on?

Bret says hello and goes in to shower. The ladies can barely finish salivating before Big John cuts five of ‘em. One gal decides to fight for her man. She bangs on the door of the house and tells Big John she’ll sleep on the floor. She wants to be there to be with Bret. Instead of calling the police or the psycho ward, Big John is touched and lets her stay. Some of the girls are ticked off by this development, and I can’t blame them.

The ladies skank up for their big party with Bret. To start the festivities off, John announces that they must line up in single file to see Bret one on one. The ladies aren’t sure what that means. Bret surprises them. Seems he’s a bit of a shutterbug. (Hmmm? Didn’t we know that from his relationship with Pamela Anderson?)

One by one, Bret has the gals pose for him. He tells us that his member is getting all excited. Wow! He’s such a poet and a romantic. Thanks for sharing, Bret. The final gal, Heather, decides the other ladies aren’t sexy enough. She decides to bare her left breast for her pic. She’s a real classy lady and a scholar.

Later on, Bret tries to have some one on one time with each girl. A few of the ladies are extremely annoying, but they’re pretty much a blur to me as I can only watch the interactions with my hand over my face. It’s kind of a cross between a really bad train wreck and a really bad horror movie. It’s sort of embarrassing, a bit gross and well, just a joy to watch, really. I must admit that this is the sickest and most squirm-worthy television that I honestly could have ever imagined.

In the end, Bret cut six ladies whose names I can’t remember anyway. He kept a bunch of bottle-blonds, a bottle red-head, one with pink streaks and maybe one or two brunettes. Bret is, by far, one of the prettiest people left in the competition. I must say that so far the ladies are forgettable except for a few, and those gals don’t make much of a good impression.

Overall, Rock of Love is compelling TV for all the wrong reasons. It’s sad but true that this show makes the Flavor of Love ladies look classier than Charm School did. The only thing to class this show up would be to have one of the gals poop on Bret’s floor like Sumthin did in the house of Flav.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I won’t be watching. I can’t help myself. I have Rock of Love set for my TiVo each week just in case I’m not home to watch it as soon as it airs.